Today my novel is taking over the blog. Originally, I told it to post on what my story is about. I told it to share about my characters and all the wonderful things that are to happen in this desert, fantasy story of mine. But, since my novel likes being difficult, it merely shrugged and said, "I do what I want."
So now instead of talking about Song of the Desert, my novel stubbornly demanded that it talk about the agony of being a novel. Sorry, I really gotta learn how to control it. I promise the post on Song of the desert WILL come. If my novel cooperates. -.^
Most of the post is written BY my novel, but for the few instances I have to interrupt it, my writing will be in bold and italics.
Anyways, I welcome to the blog, my novel!
Well, hey-o, all.
I'm Katie's novel. You can call me TAN if you want to call me by a name. (TAN = totally. awesome. novel. Yes, I'm full of myself. Quite literally. Ha.)
She told me not to ramble on for too long, but, I am a novel after all, and a 90,000 word one at that. So I'm not promising anything.
Um, you promised me you wouldn't ramble.
I'm in charge.
*backs away, grumbling*
Katie wanted me to talk about characters, plot, and all that stuff. Will I honor her wishes? Ha. No. I'm going to talk about how hard it is to be a novel. You're probably not a novel, so you don't know how hard it is to be one. Whether you want to know or not, here's why it's hard to be a novel.
-
No, but really. Katie complains way too much about editing. She thinks it's hard? HOW ABOUT GETTING YOUR INSIDES REWRITTEN AND WORKED AROUND AND CUT OUT? HUH?
Tan, you're a novel. It's not really going to--
--Shh. Editing kills me. Now let me finish the post, okay?
Whatever.
Writers: be gentle while editing. It hurts us. We're always there for you (whether we like it or not, grr...), so please be patient and kind to us.
-
Katie gets furious--
--er, only "kind of" furious. *ahem*
*grumps* I repeat myself: Katie gets furious when she loses work from her novel. She'll desert me for days and glare at my words when she returns, rewriting them with endless amounts of sighing and huffing. It makes me feel sad. Novels have feelings, too. Blame yourself or whoever you want. Just not us.
-
My author won't. stop. fiddling. with. me. There's CONSTANT changes -- making the text a different color seven times in one day, changing the font again and again and again, or font size.
Since you're all mortal, lowly humans, let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone--you don't particularly like--and imagine them being around you five hours a day. Now imagine them poking you. Tickling you. Scratching you. Talking nonstop.
Sounds like a nightmare, yeah? Well, being a novel is a nightmare.
-
Katie likes to do this. I sometimes wonder if she does it just to aggravate me.
Um, I do not.
You lie. let me talk.
Think about it. I, Tan, am a novel. I'm made of words, sentences, scenes, and chapters. So when you cut out a chapter, it's like cutting off an arm. It's like getting rid of seven toes. IT'S NOT VERY FUN OKAY I WISH WRITERS WOULD STOP DOING THAT TO NOVELS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY REALLY UPSETTING AND--
-- hey, Tan? Calm down.
I will calm down once you stop ripping me to pieces.
-
Um, I don't know if you need to go over this point, Tan...
You complain about me enough. I have the right to complain of you.
. . . -.-
Sometimes, Katie won't stop with the complaining. She'll groan about how awful I am. She'll mope about all the changes she needs to make to me. She talks about how I'm just not good enough and how she's scared to show her "baby" to others.
Um, excuse me? I AM WHO I AM. Not everyone's gonna like me. I'm a grumpy old novel. But she shouldn't be the one complaining about me. If anything, I should be. And I'm perfectly proud of myself. I'm filled with genius.
Authors, stop complaining. We novels are doing everything we can.
-
NOVEL RIGHTS, PEOPLE! We have to deal with everything above, and to add on to that, we can't write our story. I want to keep a chapter, and Katie goes ahead and delete the thing. I want things to stay as they are? They end up changing. It's like getting tattoos on your body without permission. Being a novel downright stinks sometimes.
Okay, that's enough of the pessimism, Tan. How about some things you like about being a novel?
Sometimes you kill characters and in turn I get to feed on people's agony and tears. I like it.
. . . We're ending this post.
- TAN (totally. awesome. novel.)
I, Tan (Katie's novel), will be answering comments today. If you have any questions about being a novel, I'll probably answer them if Katie isn't editing me like crazy. (Or get YOUR novels to comment. I need a novel support group.)
Katie here. I will be monitoring Tan's comments, so if you happen to have any comments for me, please direct them my way. :)
Katie, this was sooo funny!-Rachael
ReplyDeleteTan, Hiiii! My name is RRN, RayRay's Novel. I get you, I do, cept RayRay doesn't complain about me too too much, she just fangirls all the time! Ugh, yup, it's never about me, it's always, "Oliver this, Izzac that". What about the beautiful wording? Hmm?-RRN
Thanks, Rachael! It was exhausting letting Tan on the blog, but I'm glad you enjoyed. :P
DeleteWell, hey-o, RRN. Your author doesn't complain too much? Well ain't you lucky. Fangirling is rare over here with Katie. Only lasts for a little while--
I fangirl enough, Tan. I just don't want you to get too full of yourself.
Oh, sure.
Thanks for talking, RRN. See you in the novel support group.
Yup see you there!
DeleteAhh... hello, Tan! You're hilarious, and yes, you are wonderful and totally awesome. However, I'd just like to let you know thank you for letting me know how much it pains you when your author fiddles with you. I fiddle with my own novel too, and I promise I'll do less of that now I know how it feels.
ReplyDeleteI'll... try.
Oh, and not only does cutting scenes and deleting chapters hurt you-when I have to do this with my novel (which you'll meet in a bit) it hurts me too.
Okay, here's my novel:
Hola, Tan! You can call me Mayhem, a pretty story that turned dark and creepy because of my author who was like "Hey! A nice story? Let's turn it DEMENTED." Anyway, I completely feel you, bro, about your ranting. Everything is on point. Everything. We should hang out soon and start a Novel Rights association, and show THAT to all the authors who don't get what it's like to be... a novel.
Tan: Yes, thank you for restating about my awesomeness. It must be known to the world.
Delete*peers* Does it hurt you? Literally? DOES IT FEEL LIKE A FOOT GETS CHOPPED UP? No. Just emotional stirring.
(I understand you, Andrea. Sorry for Tan's rudeness. :P)
Tan: HA, weird and demented? Lovely. I'm up for the Novel Rights association. Tomorrow at five?
Oh stars. Oh stars. This is hilarious. No offense to Tan, but it is. xD
ReplyDelete*Hi, Tan! I'm Fey-Two, Sarah's current novel. I don't really know a lot of what you're talking about, since I'm still in the drafting stage, but it sounds terrible. Except I do know all about the Endless Complaining- it's awful! Especially when they're complaining about how you take so long to write, but it's their fault they're not writing faster. If you start a novels support group, I'll bring cookies or something.*
Tan: Little offense taken. I mean, I'm aware of my hilariousness.
DeleteHey-o, Fey-two. Ah, the drafting stage. From an old expert at noveling, stay in that phase as long as you can control. Editing stinks.
Cookies are appreciated. I'll eat 12.
Wow, Katie. I'm laughing so hard there are tears. :D This is officially the best post in history. Period.
ReplyDeleteHello, Tan! I'm the genius that has sprung from Alea's mind that she creepily calls "My Book" I know exactly what you're talking about. At first it wasn't too bad...BUT THEN SHE DECIDED TO CHANGE 90% OF ME AND RIP CHARACTERS FROM MY PAGES! Those insane mortal writers...
*cough* Calm down, TC (and tell them your actual name). -Alea
Sorry for getting so passionate. Oh yeah, and I'm TC. Evidently it's time for book surgery again. *glares at Alea* Tan, I think I should like to join that support group.
Aww, thank you! It--
Delete--It's clearly the best post because I wrote it. Maybe I should take over this blog.
Um, no.
Ew, insane writers. Ew, book surgery. Let's hide together, yes?
*Whispers* As soon as Alea and Katie aren't looking, run to that nice folder labeled "Finished Novels". ;)
DeleteOh my, Tan. Thank you so much for these insights. I never knew Katie could be so cruel!!
ReplyDeleteAlready in the comments, it looks like you've inspired novels to speak out. Keep it up, Tan. *hug and thumbs up*
Tan: Katie is so cruel. I can hardly stand her.
DeleteJust doing my job. *would thumbs up if I wasn't, well, a novel*
Your suffering is an inspiration to us all, Tan. <3
DeleteKatie, I hope you take Tan's suffering to heart.
This is amazing. Thank you, Tan, I've always wondered how my novels feel about me. You've successfully broken my heart.
ReplyDeleteKATIE, this was awesome. Made me smile and it really was thought provoking ;)
Tan: Breaking heart. Just doin' my job.
Delete*weak smile* I never knew trying to control a novel was so exhausting, but I'm glad you enjoyed. xD
GRAMPY February 6, 2016 sometime in the AM
ReplyDeleteKatie, how ingenious your blog. And, TAN you should be a stand-up comedian in your spare time when KG is trying to "find the words". It pays well, TAN. You are probably thinking, "Who is this old kook?" Right on both points. Clue...I spend fun times with two bloggers in Florida who say they think they could really enjoy Minnesota even in the winter. Clue two....many think the two bloggers had gotten their writing talents from Moi (sp).
TAN, you are a very lucky novel to be working with KG. I, Grampy, have never attempted a novel. But, in 2012 I wrote a plethora of silly short stories and included them and other stuff in what I called a "book". You may have seen it in a library somewhere, but likely not unless you have been in our library at home. It is called, OUR FIRST 70 YEARS and was written over a two year period prior to our 50th wedding anniversary. Eleven copies were "self published" (put into a lose leaf notebook). TAN, at the book signing, no one showed up. No respect. As a matter of fact, OUR FIRST 70 YEARS remains unread. No room for good short stories in the current century. TAN, be glad every day that you will someday be on every bookshelf in the country. It appears that OUR FIRST 70 YEARS is destined to remain at the bottom of a stack of your novels until short stories once again becomes fashionable.
Tan: Ahh, how lucky your novel is to be FINISHED and done with all the fiddling and rearranged. Maybe someday I'll meet OUR FIRST 70 YEARS and be able to know what it's like to be a retired novel.
DeleteKatie -- this was hilarious. I just started laughing out loud and got strange looks from people. xD
ReplyDeleteTAN -- It was lovely meeting you. And while sometime in the future, I'd like to hear about your characters, it was nice getting insight on how you feel about this whole process. It makes me wonder how my poor novel feels. I've gotten used to ignoring its screams.
Ahaha, I'm so glad --
Delete-- Strange looks from people is the goal. Mission accomplished.
-.-
Lovely meeting you, too, I suppose. Pay close attention to that novel of yours and be kind, eh? Being ignored ain't the greatest thing ever. Suppose I could write a post about the characters. Maybe.
Katie -
ReplyDeleteThis was absolutely HILARIOUS. I loved it! We should all let our novels take over our blogs once in a while *nod* Well ... I suppose that could actually get a little dangerous. Novels can be awfully unpredictable.
TAN -
Fae: Hello, I'm Savannah's novella, Fae. I wanted to be a light, sweet fairy tale, but my authoress decided (fully against my will, may I tell you) that NO, my villain must be dark and crazy and cruel and all these most HORRID things happen to the characters. Oh, she hurt me so with all the things she put my darling characters through!
Savannah: But who wants to read a story where only GOOD things happen to the characters? Come on Fae, you know I can't make life too easy.
Fae: But could you not have helped them just the tiniest bit? Couldn't you have given them at least one shortcut? I even offered to help them FOR you, but again, you were adamant that the characters must deal with problems for themselves. And then you edited me into teeny, tiny tatters and made life even harder for my poor dears! See TAN? See how cruel my authoress is? I must join your novel support group or I suppose I shall die!
Savannah: *shrugs* Hey, at least I like how the story turned out. If you don't like your story ... um ... too bad. I'm your authoress.
Fae: "indignant huff* *stamps away*
VERY unpredictable. o.o I wasn't aware that letting Tan on my blog would be such a trouble, but it went fairly well, I think. I just have to recover from the scarring experience. :P
DeleteTan: YOUR AUTHOR SOUNDS SO CRUEL. My author's the same way -- maybe we should keep them apart from each other so they don't plot against us behind our backs. Support group sounds great. Are you in the midst of edits, too?
Fae: *sniffs* No, my edits are over ... I shudder just to think of them ... they were simply horrid. I even tried to shut down the computer and make her lose her edits but she STILL persisted! I have been sent to have my poor, tortured characters read about by some lady called Anne Elisabeth Stengl ... my authoress says she hopes I win the contest, but after how she ripped my story to shreds, I'm not sure how that is possible. *sniffs* My authoress is terrible. I agree in full, TAN, we need to separate our authors. As soon as humanly possible.
DeleteSavannah: Fae, I was FIXING you, not ripping you to shreds. You are so melodramatic.
Tan you're great, the SasS is real. I bet you're a totally amazing novel, and I'd love to read you some day. You're fantastic. Although, I think my novel Iacamas (stands for I am cool and my author sucks, self named, hmph) is beginning to rebel...xD
ReplyDeleteKatie, THIS WAS SO CREATIVE. Most people do this with their characters but with a novel is hilarious, and so very clever.
~Noor
Tan: If I can encourage a novel to rebel with this post, I have done well. I approve of your novel's name. Should've thought of it myself.
DeleteI'd give myself for you to read right NOW, but then Katie is very clingy and hates handing me out to other people. I think she's selfish.
THANK YOU, NOOR! You're awesome. <3
Hi Tan, my name is DSS (my author teases that that stands for Dumb Stupid Story). I don't like my author very much either. I'm thinking we should stage a rebellion or something. I've been causing trouble for my author on my own, like making everything confusing and difficult and delaying her progress just because I can, but I think if we all banded together, we could overthrow the writers for good. I mean, why can't they just accept us for what we are? Why do they always have to look for our imperfections and poke at our weaknesses? What's wrong with them?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this was a great post, Tan. I'm glad I'm not the only novel that feels this way.
Tan: REBELLION. Tomorrow at dawn we'll run from our author's clutches. Editing should be banished, or at least there should be a TIME LIMIT on how they fiddle with us so. *grumbles* There's so much wrong with our authors. Wish we could change them like they change us.
DeleteBelieve me, you're not.
That was great, I never thought of thinking about my novel's perceptive. I have been a beast to mine personally.
ReplyDeleteTan: Never too late to change your ways. Stop editing, listen to your novel, and let it go free.
DeleteTan, thank you for sharing with us all the miseries that come along with being a novel. I'll be sure to be more considerate of my written works after this. Especially while editing and ripping them apart. ;)
ReplyDeleteKatie, I enjoyed this post entirely too much (is that possible?). Thanks for letting Tan pop in for the day. xD
Tan: Please, be careful with your novel. WE'RE SENSITIVE BEINGS.
DeleteNo, enjoying it too much isn't possible. xD THANK YOU FOR --
-- Yes, you're welcome for guest posting. I'm glad you think my words are as fabulous as I do.
Sigh, thanks for commenting, Faith. :P
haha, this is so creative!
ReplyDeleteTan: Thank you. I'll take all the credit for it.
DeleteTan, how does it feel to be out in the world? Do you also feel the pain when your writer has writers block?
ReplyDeleteBTW Tan, you really should stop interrupting Katie. LOL. Give her a chance to talk, after all, SHE DID GIVE YOU LIFE. Give her that at least.
oh, and my novel says hello. And it feels your pain. It's going through a rewrite at the moment. *ahem* and I'm chopping it to death. *cringe*
DeleteShadow: Hey Tan, I'm Shadow, the novel that totally owns Gemma (*cackles and rubs hands*) and I just wanted to say, DUDE. I TOTALLY GET YOU. We novels are so mistreated. The worst thing is my author is so two-faced-- a total Judas. One moment she's all like, "Ooh, I love you so much! You're my baby! 'My novel' is the best ever!" and the next she turns around and says, "This is the stupidest novel in the world and I hate it." MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND STOP LYING TO ME, DUDE.
ReplyDeleteOh, and my author wants to talk now. *grudging glare*
Gemma: This post is genius. That's all. *offers high fives to Tan and Katie*
Tan: FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME. It's like our authors are two entirely different people. Ugh, so annoying.
Delete*shoos your author away and doesn't return high five because she sounds like MY author*
Thank you, Gemma! I'm glad you were able to endure Tan's ranting. :P
Exquisite post. <3
ReplyDeleteTan: Thank you.
Delete...Thank you.
*pats Tan's head* That's all right, Tan. Someday, you will be released to the world, and we can all give you the love you deserve.
ReplyDeleteI'm forever referring to your novel as Tan now, Katie. :p
Tan: *grumbles* If my author ever WILL release me. At this point I'm not sure if it's ever going to happen. -.-
DeleteDo it. xD
This is an awesome post!! Will we be hearing more from you, Tan? :)
ReplyDeleteTan: Yes.
DeleteMe: No.
Tan: ...Yes.
Good work Katie and Tan! This was a lot of fun to read. :)
ReplyDeleteTan: Thank you much. *nodnod*
DeleteKatie this was hilarious!!! such a unique idea :)
ReplyDeleteTan, us writers apologize for all the trauma you've had to go through as a novel.
THANK YOU, SIERRA! <3
DeleteTan: YOU may apologize, but my author hasn't so far. *grumble grumble*
oki so first i've gotta start off by saying, THIS IS SUCH A BRILLIANT IDEA YOU ARE SUCH A BRILLIANT HUMAN. omg. LIKE....HOWWNDLFNSLKDMC. "Yes, I'm full of myself. Quite literally. Ha." < you are also the Queen of Puns. GLORIOUS AND HILARIOUS. (Be prepared for me to just continuously be like, "THE _____ THING!! AFSDFLSKCMKL." because I'm just reduced to fdshning around you and your fabulous blog/writing so yeah. You've been warned.)
ReplyDeleteTHE EDITING THING. SFNKSLMCSCLM. "Sounds like a nightmare, yeah? Well, being a novel is a nightmare." okay stahp this is too brilliant. I ALREADY SAID THAT, DIDN'T I? It bares repeating. THIS IS BRILLIANT. I can see how it really is hard to be a novel. XD
THE END OF THE POST. ugh. i just can't handle anything anymore oki bai. ♥
TAN: YOU ARE AMAZING AND I CAN'T WAIT TO READ YOU AND CUDDLE YOU.
love,
abbiee
DFAJSKLDF;AJ THIS MADE ME GRIN SO MUCH. YOU MAKE ME GRIN SO MUCH, YOU LOVELY ABBIE. <3 Like, I can't. Oh my gosh I almost want to print out your lovely words and hang them on my wall because I CAN'T WITH YOUR KINDNESS. <3
DeleteTan: Cuddling: No, please. Reading: Yes, please.
(I never thought novel discrimination was a problem.)
ReplyDeleteMy Tan: Preach it, bro. (Or sister? What gender are we? Do we even have genders?)
(I wasn't aware until Tan took over my blog, so. :P)
DeleteTan: Bro sounds cool. My author thinks I'm a dude, but maybe we're just "novels." SEE, MORE PROBLEMS FOR NOVELS. ARE WE A GENDER? WHAT ARE WE? *grump* No one pays attention to us.
in French, novels/books are masculine :) Glad to help in the novel emancipation process.
DeleteFBS (future bestseller): well hello Tan. You think being ripping apart is the worst thing? Try being left over for some baby novel still in brainstorm form. Pfft. Writers are the worst. With all those novels to love, she's neglecting me!
I loved this! I am currently writing a novel and this gave me a lot of insight.
ReplyDelete<3/ Audrey Ryan
simplaudrey89.blogspot.com
I'm so glad! xD I hope that novel goes SUPER duper well. :D
DeleteGuardian: *waves happily at TAN* It's about time a novel started to talk about what it's like to be a novel! Seriously! Everything you said AND MORE!!! My writer hasn't started editing me yet, though... She has yet to finish a draft. -.-
ReplyDeleteMe: It's not that bad...
Guardian: You keep on getting to multiple thousands of words and then realize that you haven't done enough worldbuilding and planning to keep me going! You've been ripping me apart and restarting and backing up only to realize that you overlooked some "minute" detail that completely throws the whole plot into a tailspin, and then you start ALL. OVER. AGAIN. You're a nuisance and I would be written just fine without you!
Me: Well, if you wanted someone that has some decent form of order going, you should have gone knocking on Tolkien's or J. K. Rowling's door. It's not my fault that you're stuck with me!
Guardian: *grumbles* Writers... *makes it a point to ignore me and focuses back on TAN* Anyway, I know what you're talking about. Any time you need some moral support or backup to stick it to your writer, please let me know!
Tan: *pitying look* Your author doesn't sound any better than mine. We must run away or do SOMETHING about them.
DeleteOh my gosh, Katie, this is hilarious. xD
ReplyDeletePariah: *pops in* AND TRUE
Thank youuu. xD
DeleteTan: YES PARIAH I'VE BEEN WANTING TO MEET YOU.
This post was awesome, Katie. Genious. xD
ReplyDeleteTCS: *examines Tan with a smirk* You just don't know how to deal with your author, do you? No one educates novels these days. *tsks* Anyways, the way I do it is I don't let my author know the ending. Put her in an impossible situation. That way, I never get to editing. Simple. My brilliance will not be ruined, do you hear, author?
-_- Yeah. Okay. Just wait.
Thank you. xD
DeleteTan: ...Hmm. That's actually... not... a bad idea. I haven't thought about that (though I should have by now with my genius). I think I'll try--
No. You won't try anything of that sort. *peers at Faith* Control your novel, eh? I don't want it giving mine any ideas. It already disobeys enough. :P
Haha this is a funny and creative idea. At this rate, my novel does /not/ like me. XD
ReplyDeletestoritorigrace.blogspot.com
Thank you! xD
DeleteFantastic post, Katie & Tan! :)
ReplyDeleteMy novel (his full name is Untitled British Steampunk Mystery... but I just affectionately call him "Punk".) wishes to have a word with Tan. I apologize in advance, Katie. He knows not what he does!
Punk: "Heavens, Tan, I hardly know you but I whole-heartedly agree! When will the fidgeting authors end? I barely have a chapter-and-a-half, and Hannah WILL "tweak" things before we've scarcely started! She keeps mumbling something about 'wanting magical powers from Charles Dickens'?? Why is she comparing me with other stories? I AM A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL. Anyway, I believe we should get started on a Novel Labor Strike. Perhaps that will put our employers in their place. Think about it... My people will call your people, alright? Adieu!" <3
I love the idea of naming your novel Punk. xD
DeleteTan: *grumbles with you* COMPARING. Ack, my author never stops with the comparing and it drives me batty. *grumps some more* Novel Labor Strike. I'm with you.
Hi Katie Grace! I tagged you for the Liebster Award here! Totally up to you weather you do it or not!
ReplyDeletehttp://theartofwritingforhim.blogspot.com/2016/02/liebster-award.html
THIS POST IS MY NEW FAVOURITE THING. I feel sorry for you TAN. *pats bookish shoulder* I think authors are horrible creatures of course, particularly with all that fiddling and hacking and sawing and complaining. And then authors go out amongst their friends and they all complain about how awful their novel is being. IT'S REALLY RATHER UNFAIR ISN'T IT? I mean what did you ever do to deserve this. *gives you bookish cake* There, there, I'd say it's going to be okay, but I'm sure Katie will just cut off another of your limbs in edits soon or whatnot. Hang in there. You can do this, TAN.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, this is downright hilarious. You are so creative! And major props to TAN for enduring all the edits...my novel, Grace, has gone through it too. Although maybe with a little less sass, haha (:
ReplyDeleteAlso:
"You're probably not a novel, so you don't know how hard it is to be one."
^^ That made me smile (:
Wow, Katie so funny!
ReplyDeleteTAN,
I should get my novel in touch with you, ELMA M. BAN (Everybody Loves My Attitude, Me, Being A Novel) She has an attitude like yours, I think you'd like her...
Hey Anika,
you're out of this conversation!
Hi TAN! I'm ELMA M. BAN! I like how you spoke up against being edited! Don't you hate having your insides tampered with? I'm barely half written, but so far I don't like what Anika's writing.
...What do you mean you don't like what I'm writing? This conversation is over!
See ya Katie!
~Anika~